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26 February 2007 @ 08:59 am
Type Interactions #8: INTJ-INFJ [archived]  
While it is wonderful to sit around and discuss how amazing we INTJs are, there are other types in the world and we generally have to deal with them more than with fellow INTJs. As a result I will be making weekly posts about how INTJs interact with others to get feedback on the experiences we INTJs have had with other types and how we've learned to deal with them successfully. I'll be posting this series every Monday featuring a new quasi-randomly-selected personality type.

Type Interactions #8: INTJ-INFJ

As with most of my NF relations, my interactions with INFJs are mixed at best and require a lot of work to maintain. I know quite a few INFJs in real life and online but I terminated some of those relationships because I could not get the INFJ to acknowledge my problems with the relationship and do anything about it. While a mature (in the type sense) INFJ working their people magic is an amazing sight to behold an immature INFJ is the person I think most likely to say things like: "It's horrible that your parent died. I know just how you feel, when my goldfish died I was devestated".

My mother is a good example of a mature INFJ and a woman whom I will call EIOKILU (aka Everything Is OK, I Love You) is a good example of an immature INFJ.

My mother trained me in social nicities and how to get along with people. I don't agree with all of her methods but she certainly knew people (highly respected and liked by everyone who knows her) and her training helped me a great deal. Like every INFJ I know my mother puts a great deal of value on helping others and she is good at saying just the right thing. She looks at interpersonal and personal issues from a variety of different perspectives to find new and useful solutions. She is a people fixer. She is the person people come to to get things done and fix people problems. As a result she often ends up (accidentally) in charge of things. While she is good at this and seems to like it, I think she also finds it very stressful. It can be hard to tell when she's stressed though since she's good at keeping 'face'. When she gets stressed she will have uncharacteristic negative emotional displays (ie crying or accusations of lack of caring), fuss endlessly over details, and become meddling or controlling. Things that stress her include: over-extending herself on behalf of others, others demanding too much of her, and (I think) problems she thinks she should fix for people which she can't fix or which she's been told to not fix. Overall, she's likable, caring, capable, and people trust her judgement.

EIOKILU is likeable and cheerful and warm when you first meet her. She will be very interested in you and even if she doesn't like you it is unlikely that you will know it. She will smile at you until her stress level gets too high then she will blow up. In the long term, you will eventually learn that her attitude will change periodically from "I am totally in control of my life and can do anything" to "the world is out to get me, I'm doomed". She invests her whole future and well being in whatever she is into right now. All or nothing. The way she does it encourages you to care for her and encourage her... until you realize that she is doing most of it to herself and can't seem to talk about anything without relating it back to herself. She's conflict avoidant (until she blows up), passive-aggressive, with a very external loci of control, complains endlessly, and she idealizes overly. She will do what feels good right now even when she knows it is bad for her and justifies it as being out of her control. When I brought problems in our relationship to her attention I got the "Everything is OK, I love you" with a side order of "I understand" and a full gluttony of justification, excuses, and professions of caring. I gave her a small list of what I needed in order to stay in the friendship, she promised to do them then disappeared for months. I walked. She occassionally whines to mutual friends about missing me and how I don't call her anymore (she doesn't call me).

All my other INFJ relationships fall within those two extremes.

Little things I've learned about INFJs I've learned: 1) even if they say they understand you they often don't (they think you are like them), 2) dislike conflict in any form but can be good at dealing with conflict, 3) until they have a good grasp of the outside world they may think that intention and emotion is equivalent to action (INFPs are also like this), 4) even when they are behaving obnoxiously they do care deeply about you and/or the situation and may be hurt if you imply otherwise, 5) arguing with them that they shouldn't be helping is pointless since they won't listen, and 6) stubbornly sticking to thier ideals to the point of doing something very conflict ridden or against other's desires can happen at unexpected times and they rarely regret doing it (they are RIGHT.. does that sound familiar?).

What are your experiences with INFJs? Personal? Work?
How can INTJs deal effectively with INFJs?
What are the problem areas between INTJs and INFJs?
What makes INTJ-INFJ interactions/relationships worth while?


Type Interactions #1: INTJ-ISTP
Type Interactions #2: INTJ-ENFP
Type Interactions #3: INTJ-ISFJ
Type Interactions #4: INTJ-INFP
Type Interactions #5: INTJ-INTP
Type Interactions #6: INTJ-ESTJ
Type Interactions #7: INTJ-ESFP
 
 
( 46 comments — Leave a comment )
jhpark24601 on February 26th, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
I've only known two INFJs that I'm pretty certain of, and both of them were mature. They're two of my best friends, although one is incredibly busy and dealing with various emotional issues, and so isn't as available to me as in the past. The other is also quite busy, but will respond to emails and such, usually with a bit of thought behind them. Unfortunately both are now many miles away, so real life interactions are rare. But they're two of the best people I know. They genuinely care about people, and will invest much time in being a true friend.
Loki: gothisdeadtricstmr on February 26th, 2007 04:00 pm (UTC)
0 data points..
so sorry.. never actually met an INFJ in person that I know of...
(Deleted comment)
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 26th, 2007 06:55 pm (UTC)
You have just discovered the system... I do whatever I want until somebody makes a request.

I'll do ENTPs next week.
quitemercurial on February 27th, 2007 02:47 am (UTC)
:o By request!

May I request INTJ-ENTJ, followed by INTJ-ISTJ?
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 27th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
Done.
quitemercurial on February 27th, 2007 08:25 pm (UTC)
Thanks. :]
Leora: Ecstasyleora on July 23rd, 2008 09:58 pm (UTC)
Thank you.
Leora: ouroborosleora on February 27th, 2007 12:13 pm (UTC)
I'm going to toss a request into the mix, even though it'll be a while as I'm late into the line. But I have to deal with an ESFJ these days, and I don't really understand their type. As I'm not an INTJ, it may take some translating for me to work with, but I've found these posts both interesting and sometimes amusing, and I think your insight into ESFJs would be useful to me. Also, most of my household are NTs, so I can also think about those interactions. I even have an INTJ female in my house. We're full of oddities - an INFJ and an INTJ female.
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 27th, 2007 01:37 pm (UTC)
Done.
Leora: tealeora on February 27th, 2007 11:27 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :) I actually also wanted one of the ones that had already been requested, but as it already had been, I figured I'd ask for the one I next most wanted. I'm sneaky like that. :)
Mirnabrandyalexnder on March 1st, 2007 02:32 am (UTC)
Could you do ENFJ?
Ms. Dansonms_danson on March 1st, 2007 03:27 pm (UTC)
Done. I will eventually do all the types (including INTJ-INTJ which I intend on doing last). As it stands, this is the order for the remaining weeks:

ENTP
ENTJ
ISTJ
ESFJ
ENFJ
(ISFP and ESTP, order undetermined)
INTJ
Leora: ouroborosleora on March 4th, 2007 02:20 am (UTC)
Hmmm, if you don't care, as I don't mind waiting, I'd prefer the ESTP sooner than the ISFP. I know two ESTPs, but in both cases the relationships are weird for reasons that don't entirely have to do with type. I'm kind of curious how much of what I see is type and how much is individual personality. Part of it is type, the competitiveness and one-upmanship, but it'd be nice to get other views on the type as I know I am biased.

By the way, these make for very good reads.
calantha42 on February 26th, 2007 09:59 pm (UTC)
The friendship I have with L, the only confirmed INFJ I know, is probably my most bizarre. We'll completely get each other, as if we shared a brain - but only for so long. Then suddenly, without any warning, we'll come to completely different conclusions. It always a little disorienting, and I usually get frustrated while she gets upset.

Stephen: Firejumpsamhaine on February 27th, 2007 12:37 am (UTC)
Your mom too, huh?
My mom is an amazing hippy when she's getting her way. When she's not, she switches to emotional warfare. I get along with her very well most of the time, but when I do something she doesn't like then she won't talk to me about it and I'll have to find out there's a problem from my stepdad. I've begun a policy of not listening to conveyed information from significant others, whether it be parents or friends, because my mom is so bad about using my stepdad as an emissary for conflict. Strangely, even though because of this I've had very few arguments with my mom, and no big ones that I can remember, she happily engages in screaming rows with my stepdad (ENFP) and sister (ESFP). It may be a compromise issue; when I do know there's a problem I'm willing to go along with her, ignore her, or argue a very compelling logical case, whereas the other two are opposing feelings with feelings and can't let the issues go.
quitemercurial on February 27th, 2007 03:21 am (UTC)
I have a best friend who's an INFJ.

We tend to get along fairly well, and we always have. We almost always see where the other is coming from, we can negotiate, and we normally come to the same conclusions on things.

The only area in which we diverge is, of course, on certain emotional subjects. She's much more romantic than I am, and she's also more of an idealist (of course), where I'm hardly one. This is where most of our conflicts, when we have any (which are uncommon), arise.

Then again, there is another INFJ that has recently invaded my life, and I rather wish he hadn't. We generally get along, particularly off Internetland (We work together.), but he's a fairly terrible writer / typer, which is bad news for me, because I despise talking on the phone and dislike face-to-face interaction, generally speaking.

The things that have been bothering me about him are 1) he tries to convince me in things like astrology, numerology, the supernatural, prophecy, &c. even without proper evidence or rationale, 2) he's nosy, and 3) he claims to know my personality, probably relying on his supposed intuition and some astrological report garbage. ...Quite frankly, I'm not sure how to deal with this one. I've called him dumb, told him not to call me certain things, told him not to call my cell phone (since it's prepaid), told him he's unable to express himself, consistently shot down his "arguments" for the aforementioned rubbish, &c. I don't know how I can be more direct. I had even told him we're not a couple, that I don't do certain things unless it's with an SO, and that I don't even talk about certain things with people unless they're close friends. All I know is that I'm going to tell my boss, ugh.

ANYWAY, my only problem is that stuff there, and I don't really know how to deal with it, nor do I really care. I just want it out of my life. I guess that's how I'd deal with it: shove it out. End of story.

Oh, but INTJ-INFJ relationships can be rewarding. Although I don't think we influence each other a huge amount, I've had a fairly good relationship with Sandy, and it's interesting to hear her perspective on things. It's also nice to have someone who, although isn't completely identical to me, is similar enough to me to understand much more than others.
quitemercurial on March 5th, 2007 06:34 pm (UTC)
Okay. This male "INFJ" took the test in my presence, and he apparently misunderstood several questions. I'm sure he also did different ratings for a few. ENFP fits him much more. So I'm scratching out what I said of him; I'll insert that in ENFP.

Anyway, I forgot to mention another INFJ friend of mine, Leth. He's an extremely mature INFJ. He's wonderful in handling and keeping up relationships of all kinds, and he understands so much about human nature, particularly emotions. He's definitely very intuitive, and he knows how, where, and why to use his F for whatever he believes is the "good" at the time.

We've been friends for about five or so years now, and we've pretty much always gotten along very well. In fact, I cannot remember any large conflicts, and we only went through a short period in which we didn't talk to each other. I, for some reason, had gotten tired of him, but when we restarted talking, I wondered why. I had missed his presence quite a bit.

He's one I'm not afraid of showing my tiny, hidden "idealist" side to, though I'm not positive why. I suppose it's because we have enough in common to share with each other those things, and because I've known him long enough to trust him. I know he won't react in a way I won't like, and he'll completely understand what I'm talking about.

Considering how harmonious our relationship tends to be, I don't find there to be any way for the questions of "dealing with" INFJs like him or highlighting any "problem areas" between me and this type of INFJ. We complement each other amazingly well.

In addition to that, this relationship, I believe, is extremely beneficent to both parties. He receives thoughtful conversation, an extra dose of logic and "brains," and a complementary companion; I receive the same thing, save the dose is not only logic or "brains" but also of emotional understanding and "reaching out." With me, he can be as skeptical or cynical or curious or contemplative as he likes; with him, I can be as idealist or fantastical or innovative or "dremay" all I like. We both learn and grow through each other. That makes it worthwhile.
darakat_ewr on February 27th, 2007 09:17 am (UTC)
I have a fiance who is a INFJ, so I can see some of what your coming from, but not all of it. I can see that some INFJ stuff is like that if your only experience with them is professional but there is a deeper level to the INFJ that most do not see nor appreciate, and its one that works very well with the INTJ. The INTJ and INFJ are often called one of the "golden couples" by behavioral physiologists, they often compliment each others weaknesses with another strengths without having major personality classes left right and centre. The INTJ's level of randomness and obesity works well with the INFJ's ability to be emotionally responsive and often good counseling skills mixed in with a waft of the same humor and ability to be random (and sometimes ditsy).

However the INFJ does have a "door slam" which means that they will erase you from their life if they feel that somethings not right, sometimes they will just up and disappear completely off your radar, you won't get to talk to them, see them or hear of them unless they decide the terms. Some say this is part of the INFJ's need for security and love in all relationships, but others think its a simple defense mechanism that is used more by this type than others.

How can INTJs deal effectively with INFJs?

Easily. The INFJ is likely to be a best freind, or even partner. They will often get your jokes, be able to relate well to your situation and be mature about it. However poorly developed INFJ's are like a brick wall in the face of adversity and if you can tell the difference you will be better for it. The best way to deal with an INFJ I have found is to try and listen to what they have to say and explain how an idea is or is not feasible in your eyes. Try and be neutral when they come with a problem they have with someone else as they have a problem with, being honest with them often reaps more rewards than lying. Above all give them space, if they want space, want to be alone, let them. But if they want a hug, chat, or coffee then soak in there problems like a sponge and tell them what you think of it all.

What are the problem areas between INTJs and INFJs?

Major problem areas will be with an INTJ's lack of emotion. Admit it, we are not the most personable of folk most of the time. However if you open your more feeling side or say how you are thinking they can often interpret your actual feelings, even if you won't admit to them. On your side of things try and not do the same, interpreting there feelings or ways (even non-logical ones) often doesn't get you anywhere. Try and keep your critical side down when it comes to the way they feel about things, but keep it operating when they talk about things they want you to assess, which isn't always easy, but is a skill that will help an INTJ with other F's.

What makes INTJ-INFJ interactions/relationships worth while?
There fun, not hard to deal with and above all they make your day.
Leora: infjleora on February 27th, 2007 10:17 am (UTC)
I am an INFJ, and I've done a door slam - once. It was because I decided the person wasn't worth interacting with anymore. I felt bad about it, but her views just were too obnoxious to deal with. She felt all premarital sex was wrong. I felt that I'd known my boyfriend for years, we were both adults, and if she was going to lecture me on why this was a problem then she wasn't a useful thing to have in my life. This may have been harsh, and I suppose part of it is a defense mechanism, but really it's about prioritizing time. She was no longer worth mine.

As to other details... I know that if I get overwhelmed, I temporarily stop caring. I can be quite mean at these times, and I wish I weren't. I can turn very cold. I probably do still care somewhere or other, but it's just temporarily turned off. This certainly is a defense mechanism. It can even be useful, because sometimes not caring is a better way to fix things. For example, if you're fighting with someone you love and you're at the point of hurting each other, not caring helps you to not get hurt and get things back into control. Then you can start caring again.

I admit, I do often think I understand, although most of my interactions have been with NTs, so I think I have a better grasp on them than the average INFJ. And I do tend to try to sympathize by showing that I have some understanding of what the person is going through, and this does totally blow up on some people. I do try to learn and remember which people this doesn't work on to not do it with them, but that's a slow process. I also have only moderately developed social skills for an INFJ, because of having a weird life.

I have an INTJ in my household, and I get along with her quite well. We didn't always... it was a rocky start. But now we find each other quite fun to talk with. Of course, we're both generally convinced that we're right, and we both can be quite stubborn.

And I got here from the infj community.
post9
darakat_ewr on February 28th, 2007 09:35 am (UTC)
yeah my fiancé made that post when I told her about the profiling that was happening on INTJ (a vary INTJ thing to do of course). Stubbornness is generally also part of the relationship, though I have found that the give-take is about 50-50 in most healthy relationships with any type, so it wasn't a major part of my profiling.
Benhslayer on February 28th, 2007 07:30 pm (UTC)
I'm also an INTJ engaged to an INFJ, and I think what you've said is spot-on. Our differences occasionally cause issues (usually when I'm being too rational or she's being too emotional), but for the most part it is complimentarity. It's hard for me to open up, but she always knows what I'm feeling anyway, for example. And I provide her with plenty of much-needed structure and stability.

One interesting point I've noticed is how our types work in arguments. When we argue with each other, my appeals to reason and hers to emotion tend not to get us anywhere. But when we're on the same side of an argument against someone else, it's devastating. I don't recall anyone really standing up to me telling them why their point is logically fallacious while she simultaneously tells them why it's morally wrong. ^_^;
Sidhesidheblessed on March 5th, 2007 09:12 am (UTC)
Muahaha that last part reminds me of darakat_ewr and I. Well, actually the whole comment does. ;)
quitemercurial on March 5th, 2007 06:39 pm (UTC)
Ah, the door slam! I'm an INTJ (Well, I think one can tell...), and I myself have actually done such an action, but it's for different reasons. Mine tends to be less emotionally based and more utilitarian based. If I think that neither (or, at least, I) benefit from a relationship, I just shove it out of my life, along with all its remnants. I also tend to make it permanent.

My two INFJ close friends have done this sort of action, but they definitely do it for emotional reasons. One does it when she is extremely upset (angry or really depressed), whilc the other does it when he is feeling overwhelmed or depressed. They tend to do it with more than one person at a time, though. I've heard of them occasionally doing it for one or a couple of people, but it's uncommon. It's usually the world they're shutting out temporarily.
sophiedophsophiedoph on March 13th, 2007 12:03 am (UTC)
I like your comment. Just today I did an analysis of INTJ/INFJ relationships. I'm married to an INTJ--we've been together five years now. Golden couple--I think a lot of people don't understand how we can be so close. But when you throw two INs into the world... well, we fit each other so well, our weaknesses become our strength together.

I also know a few other INTJ/INFJ couples, so looked at them as well. Two of the couples have been married for over 30 years.

Anyway, re: the door slam mechanism--YES. I've only done it a few times, but it's FINAL. My mother is very near to receiving it of late, and it breaks my heart. But once the door is slammed, it's *very* hard to go back, and yes, the INFJ determines the terms.

I'd be interested in your feedback on my INTJ/INFJ analysis, as an INTJ, if you're ever bored.
Demonsquirreldmnsqrl on April 21st, 2007 06:39 am (UTC)
I'm interested in reading your intj/infj analysis, where was it posted?
sophiedophsophiedoph on April 21st, 2007 03:38 pm (UTC)
In my livejournal. It's friends-locked, so I'll add you.
sophiedophsophiedoph on April 21st, 2007 03:54 pm (UTC)
Leora: infjleora on February 27th, 2007 11:29 am (UTC)
I don't know if this is the result of my NT upbringing or whether I'm just less prone to this or whether you're just wrong about this for INFJs, but the emotion equivalent to action thing feels all wrong to me. Being able to get useful things done for the people I care about is very important to me. I like being able to be the hero who makes it all okay. You need to be up for something important tomorrow, then I'll make sure you're awake then, even if it means I stay up all night to ensure it. You need to have alone time; I'll wander off to my computer. Look, the dishes are all done and I've done the laundry so you can wear your favorite outfit for whatever event is coming up. Those are little things. Big things are even better. Hmm, it's hard for me to think of examples because unfortunately, I can't do this much anymore. I used to be very willing to lend friends money when they needed it without expecting to ever get it back.

Mostly I'm aware of this because it really frustrates me that I can't do things for people much anymore. I'm disabled and poor, which makes things very tricky. Most of the things I've mentioned are fairly S type tasks, but I'm usually doing things for NTPs, so I'm just so much better at getting things done and so much more okay with dealing with boring paperwork or beauracracy than they are.

But actions are very important to me.

Of course, it's possible that I'm biased. Well, actually, it's certain that I'm biased. It's possible I'm biased in a relevant way. But I know that I do care about keeping my commitments, being on time, and doing things for others. Often, it seems, more than NTPs do.
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 27th, 2007 03:08 pm (UTC)
but the emotion equivalent to action thing feels all wrong to me

That is what happened with that particular INFJ and with a bunch of other NFs. The ones I could actually discuss it with who do it stated that was the correct interpretation. I've never had this happen with any other type other than NF.

You may be different. My mother is certainly different. That INFJ is the worst I've encountered of the type. That is why I chose her... to give both ends. It may interest you to know that my experience with the immature INFJ has been correlated with a bunch of other people who've had to deal with her as well. She is non-functional. She has managed to destroy a huge number of her relationships with her behaviour.

The comments in these posts are based on INTJ's personal experience with different types. Not on how they should be or ideally are. Unfortuneately that means that some interactions suck... just like what you described with your brother... and all are subjective.
Leora: infjleora on February 27th, 2007 11:32 pm (UTC)
Oh, I know. Bad INFJs can really suck. I've watched other INFJs do things that make me wince. And I understand why they do them, but gah... they really need to grow up.

And as an NF trait, it sounds very accurate. What surprised me was having it as INFJ trait. It's one of the differences they tend to mention between INFJ and INFP. INFPs are more prone toward caring about intentions and feelings, while INFJs are more prone toward caring about actions. We want you to treat us well, INFPs want you to care about them.

I don't know enough INFJs to know if maybe we want you to treat us well, but think our emotions should be enough for you. But while I'd see it as an NF weakness, I'd expect it to be less of an INFJ weakness. We do have other weaknesses though that we are more prone to than some of the other NF types.

And I suppose some INFJs may fall into traps that NFs are more prone to, but I wouldn't expect from an INFJ.
The serpent says...scottopic on February 27th, 2007 02:36 pm (UTC)
Also pointed from the INFJ community -
while I don't agree with all of your general conclusions, this is a worthwhile and interesting analysis - plus the points where I don't agree, I can readily accept as difference in life experience.










How about a hug?
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 27th, 2007 02:59 pm (UTC)
How about a hug?

*blink* Huh? What? No.
teh is the new "the"spirilis on February 27th, 2007 03:07 pm (UTC)
The INTP response, at least from my perspective, would be "Sure!" followed by the most shallow hug you'd ever imagine, followed further by an intense analysis of the reasoning behind people hugging one another, ultimately intended to either 1. creep out the person offering the hug, or 2. amuse them.

INTJ reply: Uh, no.

(just a thought that shot through my head when I saw this post :))
Ms. Dansonms_danson on February 27th, 2007 03:09 pm (UTC)
*laugh* I'm amused.
Adi Stass: INFJ Yodaadi_stass on February 28th, 2007 07:52 am (UTC)
I am an INFJ dating an INTJ...and with how our interaction is going I would say that this post is pretty much true...even though it is in a very crude way of putting it. and I just told my bf that if he met someone I didn't he would probably wouldn't know I didn't like that person until I told him...I told him this when we ran in to someone he didn't like and it was very obvious that he didn't like that person...I think the Major difference with the two types is that INFJ's hate conflict...and INTJ aren't bothered by it
an other note...About the "door slam" I think it is an immature INFJ that uses it...I know I have done it and looking back when ever I did so it was very childish...so I am trying not to use them completely...I might take a break in our friendship but I come back
Λżяæľdivinejustice on April 2nd, 2007 09:05 pm (UTC)
I can't believe I never replied to this. Yeah. INFJs are rough to get along with. Godamn. Totally godamn. It's very possible these kind of relationships are doomed from the start. I really think what you have here is spot on. INFJs are often smart, maybe even smarter than you and I, but have little to no social understanding or understanding of people in general. Logic never refutes emotions for an INFJ. You can explain very finely how everything is going to be fine and they can understand this, perhaps, but it changes nothing. At all.
lbachmann on May 21st, 2007 06:29 pm (UTC)
my infj friend
I'm an INTJ and I have a friend who I am trying to figure out the type of. She has tested as an INFJ, but a couple things don't fit for me. I've only been talking to this person for about a month, it was one of those friendships that just kinda clicked. She certainly cares about what others think of her, and will get emotional about it. Normally, I would hate someone like this, but this person doesn't whine about it, they go think, and figure out what they need to do about it. They seem mature to me, I get the feeling that they do a bit of "door slamming" once in a while. It doesn't seen to me like it'd be a permanent thing though. I'm coming to think that there isn't much conflict because while our standards for the world are based on different reasoning, hers on morals and mine on logic and rationality, they seem pretty compatible.

An example of an interaction we had earlier today. We're walking to class and she sees a freshman in flip flops (which is against the uniform, i'm at boarding school), and she being a junior, has right to, and does, tell this kid (who I think very poorly of) politely to change her shoes. I see her half a class period late still in flip flops, and comment that she hasn't changed them. A class period later, after assembly, this kid has changed out of her flip flops and is sitting in the same row as my INFJ friend. Walking out of assembly with the INFJ, I ask if she commented to the kid for finally changing their shoes. I'm immediately said to be mean, at which point I calmly point out that it builds character (which shoe-kid desperately needs). The INFJ agrees with me and the story ends. I think this illustrates that though we have different basis for our standards, we for some reason have compatible standards.

The reasons I'm not sure she's an INFJ? Well, its mostly the interests INFJs are supposed to have. She's into math, things with set rules and systems, in school. Its completely opposite to most of the INFJ descriptions I've read. Do you think she's an INFJ or do I have a letter off?
Leora: infjleora on May 21st, 2007 06:41 pm (UTC)
Re: my infj friend
I'm an INFJ.

She sounds like an INFJ. INFJs are system builders. We tend to build systems about people, but we are generally drawn toward structured systems. It was because of this and a heavily NT childhood that I used to think I was an INTJ, until I realized that actually I am very much an F. But I loved chemistry, was fairly into math, etc. It's not as common, but it's certainly not something that can't happen with an INFJ.
Double Entendremisworded on July 23rd, 2008 07:16 am (UTC)
I don't think those interests would make her not an INFJ. I am the epitome of an INFJ and I was a math and linguistics major and like other things that involve technical details, like music and web/graphic design. She really does sound like an INFJ from the rest of your description.
Luna: contemplative Howlunkickablekitty on May 29th, 2007 10:20 pm (UTC)
I forgot to reply to this. Oops.

I get along with INFJs really well, although some can be like this describes (like my brother a lot of the time). I've had two "best friends" who have been INFJs. One I don't talk to as much anymore, the other being current. They both generally understand me well enough, even if they can't see some of my logistics. The current one I've worked on many projects with because she's always on the same thought level--some of that being part of her personality.

Never had the doorslam, though. I'm usually the one to do that.
ursus_of_unrv on September 30th, 2008 01:46 pm (UTC)
I dated an INFJ once.

We had enough in common to forge an initial interest, and yet our values were worlds apart that the relationship exploded and died in drama.

She was on a quest to save humanity, which I could never appreciate, especially since she could barely save herself most days. She took my apathy to altruism and my lack of interest in the human race as a personal affront to her values, and tried to lecture me constantly on how I should approach the world. Needless to say it wasn't long before I told her in no uncertain terms what I thought of that.

Something you said above also rings true; when it comes to interacting with people and forming perceptions of them, she thought she was always right. Always. She had an unshakable belief in her own intuition and powers of perception which I didn't quite share either.

She was probably an example of an immature INFJ. She might even be an example of a batshit crazy INFJ. But I am not sure I would trust even a mature, sane INFJ as they all seem interested in fitting everyone into their personal moral schemes.
Tamagochi [tamagochi.lt] on May 25th, 2009 10:02 am (UTC)
Hi there from INFJ ;)

Your insights are very good and to the point - I didn't even realize I was acting like EIOKILU in some situations. And how it must be annoying for other people when I do.

Does the 6th point implies, that INTJs are also always "right"? :) (hmm I have INTJ friend and he posses this trait...)
Malloryseakittym on August 25th, 2009 06:11 am (UTC)
My boyfriend and close friend are both INFJ and we get along wonderfully. The boyfriend flips from INFJ to INTJ, however. The friend stays at INFJ. We have always gotten along and anytime we have a fight, it's quickly and emotionlessly discussed and ended, and all is well again. I love it and couldn't imagine better friends.
mareekee on November 13th, 2009 06:49 am (UTC)
INTJ/ INFJ = INXJ
He must be an INXJ-originally INTJ.
agonyaunt1 on March 25th, 2010 06:19 am (UTC)
INFJ's...
I'm an INFJ, and a great friend of mine happens to be an INTJ. I don't really know whether or not I'm qualified to say much, but I enjoy giving input and receiving some insight. I don't know if it's because of maturity or because of my INTJ's influence, but as emotional as I tend to be, I can't imagine ever making decisions completely on my emotions. I know when I get angry, I get angry. Still, it's something I keep to myself and write about later. I always figured it was best to stop, cool down, and think about what comes next. My own personal goal has always been to understand people, and my INTJ and I can agree on having a common goal in life, though we seek to understand different areas of the human psyche. Whenever we've had a fight, if you could call it that, it'd always be because of some misunderstanding. The communication went wrong somewhere, and I'm pretty sure it's usually my fault. Where I expect him to understand what I mean, he demands clarity and explanation...which is something I can't always give. Either way, if I really am an INFJ, and I assure you I took many tests and answered as honestly as possible, then I'm a little confused. I don't act purely on my emotions--rather, I focus on using said emotions to write creatively, and apply the emotions appropriately. Rather than focus on myself (which, I'm sorry to say, I've done quite a bit in this comment so I apologize), I prefer to be attuned to what others are feeling. I actually read this because, for quite some time now, I've been in love with my INTJ, and I wondered if these personality types could explain why and why not we're compatible. I don't know if I've ever met another INFJ...perhaps one of the annoying ones that pretends to care about what you say, yes, but not one who I deem genuinely and accurately portrays the description I've read. Thanks for posting this, and sorry my comment is so long.
sea birds.: icon 25silver_rider on February 10th, 2012 06:58 am (UTC)
These are my best friends and I love them. They understand me and are drawn to me for my logical outlook and I think I am drawn to them for their abstract and idealistic worldview. So many of them in academia. At times, I take them with a grain of salt, but overall, I think we provide a nice counter balance to each other. Most of my friends and NF's and I think they provide an emotional balance to my world.

<3
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